Forest Gump and St. Peter

 When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot about you.” He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”

“Okay,” said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through a test. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.’ “

“Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.”

 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?”

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God’s first name?

Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.”

St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”

“The next question,” said Forest, “How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.”

“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …”

St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”

“And the last question,” said Forest, “What is God’s first name? It’s Andy.”

“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”

“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.” Forest broke into song, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, “Run, Forest, Run!”

 

Men in Heaven – Who is the Head of the Household?

 At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, “I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives.” God continued, “I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”      The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.   God said to the first line, “You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him.”  Then God turned to the lone man and asked, “How did you come to be in this line?”   The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

  

 

No meat on Friday

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn’t eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. “Ole,” they said, “since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there’s not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic.” Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.

 The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole’s head and said, “Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now,” he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole’s head, “now you are a Catholic!”

 Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole’s yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: “You were born a beef, you were raised a beef”, and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, “and NOW you are a FISH!”

 

Hymns For All Things

The Dentist’s Hymn:……….. Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman’s Hymn……… There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor’s Hymn:…….. The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn:………… Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn:………… There’s a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn:…….. Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist’s Hymn:……. Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent’s Hymn:……… I Surrender All
The Gossip’s Hymn:.. ……… Pass It On
The Electrician’s Hymn:……. Send The Light
The Shopper’s Hymn:……….. Sweet By and By

AND for those who speed on the highway – a few hymns:
—–45mph………..God Will Take Care of You
—–55mph………..Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
—–65mph………..Nearer My God To Thee
—–75mph………..Nearer Still Nearer
—–85mph………..This World Is Not My Home
—–95mph………..Lord, I’m Coming Home
—–Over 100mph…..Precious Memories

 

 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

  •  Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.
  • The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
  • The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience
  • During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
  • The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • The service will close with “Little Drops Of Water”. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.  
  • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.  
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday

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KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS

It’s In the Bible

One day, a little boy opened the big family Bible and was fingering through it. As he turned the page, out fell a leaf which had been pressed in it. He picked up the leaf and ran to his mother. “Mom,” he said. “Look what I found. I think it’s Adams underwear!”

 Palm Sunday

One Palm Sunday, little Joey had a sore throat and had to stay home from church with a sitter. When the rest of the family came home, they were carrying palm branches. Joey asked what they were for. His father told him that people held them over Jesus’ head when he walked by.

“Wouldn’t you know it!” said Joey. “The one Sunday I miss, Jesus shows up!”

Lot’s Wife

A Sunday School teacher was telling the class about how Lot’s wife looked back at the city while they were fleeing its destruction, even though God had forbidden her to. She then turned into a pillar of salt.

A little boy interrupted her and said, “My mommy looked back one time while she was driving the car and she turned into a street lamp.”

Did Noah Go Fishing?

A Sunday School teacher asked her class if they though Noah did a lot of fishing while he was on the ark.

“Of course not,” said one little boy. “How could he? He only had two worms!”

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The New Testament

When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, “Close the door. Were you born in a barn?” I could say, “As a matter of fact, I was.”

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Noah

He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check

Moses…

was  an important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led   the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.

Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His “Top Ten” commandments. They were things like: don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t dance, don’t smoke, don’t covet your neighbor’s stuff (whatever that means). He also told them  to humor their fathers and mothers.